Finding Empathy

28 01 2013

Today is good day. I am grateful to be OUT of my head and in this very moment. I am learning to stop over thinking every fucking thing around me. I cant worry anymore about whatever the hell I keep worrying about. Yes My Husband had an affair. Yes It hurt. Yes I punished the shit out of him. and Yes I have lost so much Trust in him. It takes a long time to forgive and get past it.  Today the tables are turned and I am the one who had an affair with my Drug. I Hurt him. and many others. Now I am being punished and He has no trust in me. 

I think the hardest part today is trying to sit here and pay the consequences for my actions from my husband.  I do a very good job at not keeping score. I keep the affair separate from my drug use. (or at least I think I do) It is very difficult to  keep my mouth shut and Listen to him be upset and remind me of all that he is angry about. It is almost impossible for me. I think it is because I don’t have enough Respect for him to sit there and listen to his shit. He forgets I didn’t start using Meth until after he had his affair .

 Do I blame him for my drug use? No.  I blame him for living another life behind my back for a year and a half and having him get caught by his blinded wife who ‘s soul was stolen from her in a matter of minutes. I had to find out about about a year worth of lies in about 5 days.  The pain that that was brought upon me is what I blame him for.  The pain he gave me and walked away from was unforgivable at the time. I felt like I was left to die by the man I loved unconditionally and who I called my Best Friend. 

I have nobody to blame for my poor choices but myself. He does not either. It was his  choice to have an affair.  And My choice to pick up that pipe.  So I Guess I need to remind myself today that pain takes a long time to heal depending on how deep the scars are. I cant expect him to forgive me just because  today I am clean. I relapsed and that is a huge set back with trust and him. I understand that and I accept that I have to earn his trust back as he had to earn mine.  I don’t believe I will ever find that same kind of trust I had with him before his affair, because that kind of trust you cant ever get back once its broken.  That TRUST I had for him was so special and was why I choose him as my husband.  It was such a comfortable feeling to be able to walk in a mall with him and I would  point out a woman’s nice ass for us to check out together, and we would laugh and that was a place of comfort and total peace we had with each other that I will forever miss with him. I choose to take him back because I believed in our marriage and I still believe in it today. Sometimes I wonder how in the hell we are going to get through this shit and come out ok with each other but I have always stayed true to what I believe in, and I do believe in my marriage and why I am still here today.

I learned what Empathy is Through all of this, and I wish so much he could find a way to see that I was never trying to hurt him directly, I was trying to hurt myself. It never was about hurting him, just as his affair was not meant to directly hurt me,  His affair was his drug, and we chase our drug like we will die if we cant get more, it becomes this habit, obbsession, addiction, It takes over your life and controls YOU. Nobody else matters and my drug was my lover and his lover was his drug.  Its all the same. 

I guess my point to myself today is to let it be. Give it time. Focus on myself and my recovery and be kind to my husband and grateful I did not loose my house, or kids, or husband. I am very blessed to be alive today and still have people in my life that care about me after all the damage I have done. 


You cant see the forest through the Trees….

25 01 2013

I asked my Sponsor the other day if she thought I was making any progress because I still feel so ” emotionally fucked”  I know what my head feels like when I have 90 days clean and I know what it feels like to have 40 but I just don’t feel like I am where I should be in my recovery. Of course my husband

IMG_5093says I haven’t done shit and my behavior is still the same, which does not help my confidence much as is.  Anyways her answer to me was have you ever heard of the phrase you can’t see the forest through the trees ?  Well Oddly enough I had not so here I am go ogling it for two days to “get it” and then My problems will be solved… Dont you love my fucked up, over thinking way of thinking??  Here I am looking at every little detail of this statement to finding the real meaning, as I am reading the meaning over and over ” LOOKING AT TOO MUCH DETAIL AND NOT SEEING THE BIGGER PICTURE”  What the fuck am I missing? Have I lost these many brain cells because I’m still confused.
Could I be avoiding having to look at  myself and that is why I am not surrendering? I thought Detail was important? I have always been told I never pay attention and focus and not I’m paying too much attention. What the fuck am I missing here? I go meetings om a regular basis, I reach out to others, (most of the times) I AM CLEAN, I am doing my Step work, I pray twice a day.  I’m doing all that I need to do to Stay Clean.  My heart still feels empty though? So I know that I must not be doing something right. I know it takes time but what if all this time goes and I am still sitting here clean with an empty heart?

I am just Crazy????

23 01 2013

Read the rest of this entry »

My own Secret Lover

23 01 2013

I remember the day I met you. It was love at first sight.  The way you looked at me through your sparkly eyes, it was a look that I had never seen before.  When we touched lips, I began to feel your love for me run down my throat and through my veins until I could only feel one feeling and that was that I only wanted to feel  this way with you for the rest of my life. You came into my life at a time when I needed somebody to help me get through my hardest and darkest days ever. You gave me that boost of energy to make me want to wake up in the morning. You gave me a feeling that I could not be hurt anyone or by any person in my life. You followed through with your promises. You were there when nobody else was. You were there when I would wake up and need to feel OK again. I started to depend on you more and more. I didn’t realize I could fall this deeply in love again with something. It became a scary kind of love. I need you more than you needed me. I became more lonely with you. You took my friends away. You took my family away. You took my ability to love away. You took my smile away. I thought you loved me? Why are you making me feel so cold and alone. I feel afraid yet wont stop being with you. I can’t live without you. Please, if you loved me you would not make me feel this way. I don’t want to love you anymore. I don’t want to need you in my life in order to wake up and live my day. I’m sorry but I cant love you any longer. You have ruined my life and taken my soul away. My heart hurts from being so cold for so long. I want to warm my heart again with real love.  Please don’t do this to me. I know I am stronger than you are. I can make you go away forever. I will do it. I will take my heart back and I will heal myself from your poison.  Your glass lips are nothing to me anymore. How could I have kissed you and thought you were going to help me and love me. I’m so sick to my stomach now.  I have broken you many times and I will not do this to myself or my family ever again. Stay away from me because my strength, courage, and willingness to get healthy again will overpower your temporally love that you give me.  Good bye Crystal

Another day alive to start over…

22 10 2012

I can’t seem to get this thing called growing up!  It seems I have a lot of it to do and I’m overwhelmed just writing about it.   Since my Husbands affair, he has been home almost 2 years now.  Although I didn’t tell him about my affair with Meth until 7 months after he came back to his newly refreshed “tweeker wife”    I can still remember the shock and hurt on his face when I told him I was sick and needed his help. I was so scared to tell him, but I was at a point where I knew I was going to die of I didn’t get help.  I also knew I had fought everyday for 2 years for my husband to come home and I didn’t want to lose him again.  But I had to take  care of ME  for once and safe my life by making the first step and telling somebody.      Part of me wanted him to feel  those same feelings I was forced upon when he hurt my heart.   He was so angry at first, and then just in a state of shock. and then confusion.. And as he was processing his thoughts on his wife putting a glass pipe in her mouth and hiding in the bathroom smoking meth all day , I fell asleep next to him for the next 16 hours.  I woke up to his tears falling my face,  I felt so horrible at that moment to think I would want to put him through the pain I went through.   I think he realized just by looking at me that day how much pain I was in.  I know he felt guilty ,and hurt that how could he not know I was a drug addict?  So many thoughts were running through his head.

I was just so relieved that I didn’t have to carry this secret of mine around me anymore.  I can finally tell someone and not be so afraid of the control it had on be.

He and I still disagree on whose betrayl is the most damaging?   I can’t believe this man honestly believes in his mind that MY drug use for 2 years is more hurtful to us than his Love affair for 2 years.  And why are even comparing this shit?

It has been been a little over a year since I told my husband about my drug use.  And I am an Addict and I am in recovery. I thought I would get fixed and not have to do drugs again.  I thought my husband would come home after fucking another woman for 2 years and he and I would be wonderful and I would be madly in love with  him. I thought my husband  had no right to be mad at me because I spent $20k on drugs when he went on his mini vacation…Noway is he entitled to shit after what he has done to me!!  He owes me my life is what I thought!

I was wrong about each one of those thoughts. I was VERY wrong.  It must have been the drugs that said I would love my husband when he came home from his affair that fucking brought my heart to ice,

I first had to get clean.. The drugs are  my way of dealing with my feelings.  I basically made a bigger mess for myself and everyone involved .  To be an addict mean’s you have to fight your disease everyday to stay clean and healthy.  And if you do not have all the tools to help you with your disease then you will not survive.  This is something today I am still learning. I can say that I am clean today.  And that is how I stay clean today. One day at a time, or even hour by hour.  I have relapsed and had to back up and learn from it.  I also have to  feel the feelings I numbed of my husband’s affair.  After 4 years I am just now today feeling them and dealing with them.   My husband is dealing with a wife who has betrayed him and lied for over a year and has spent a huge amount of money and even stole from him. He is angry and Hurt. He has no trust in me. I feel all the same at him.  We are two people who once loved each other so deeply. We were two people who  our biggest strength in our marriage was trust.  The word does not exist in our marriage today. We are living under the same roof trying so hard to find a way to start over and build a new foundation. I’m not sure that its even possible at that this point, but We are working on it.  I think the most important thing for our marriage now is for me to work on me until I am healthy and have my addiction under control. I know my recovery comes first before anything. Without recovery I will have nothing. Putting my recovery first is very hard as I am not used to putting myself first in any situation. My future is not for me to worry about today. I have to worry about today, and stay of my head. I cant worry about my marriage or my past or my future. these are the very things that fill my head with Chaos and cause me to relapse.

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