Happy One Year To Me!!!!!!

15 12 2013

I cant believe it has been 12 months since i have been on my blog. It is crazy how different I see things today compared to this time last December. I have taken these last 12 months to stay clean, focus on my family, and nurture and love myself for the first time in many many years. I think it took a good 6 months for the “voices” to go away in my head. and it took only 3 months to go from 92 pounds to 140lbs! I was making up for some lost suppers the past 3 years of my using. The hard part is learning how to keep the chaos out of my head on a daily basis. Or shall I say the Bullshit. Its all just chaotic Bullshit that lives up in my head that used to cause me to be impulsive, insecure, and make poor choices. I don’t know exactly how I keep it out today but I know that keeping my ass busy all time is key for me. So during this last year I have manged to do a few things like get a job, wake up like a normal person and take care of the daily basic things that are simple for most people but seem so difficult for someone who has been hiding in the bathroom for the last 3 years with a meth pipe in her mouth. The first 6 months of my recovery and walking into my bathroom was a trigger for me as that was where all the “magic” happened. But today I walk into my bathroom and my stomach always turns and I fell sick with shame. Its trip’s me out to think I was ready to give up everything for that glass pipe. I was willing to throw my entire family away in order to keep getting high. 

Last week I went to my Home Group meeting and My husband and Sponsor gave me my one year cake! I fucking did it!! After 3 long years of falling down, I finally was able to gather one full year of true clean time! No pills, No Meth..Nothing!!! Just me, and my feelings and a huge support group that gave me pure unconditional Love! I feel peace within and I can say that I might even Like me!!

 

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You cant see the forest through the Trees….

25 01 2013

I asked my Sponsor the other day if she thought I was making any progress because I still feel so ” emotionally fucked”  I know what my head feels like when I have 90 days clean and I know what it feels like to have 40 but I just don’t feel like I am where I should be in my recovery. Of course my husband

IMG_5093says I haven’t done shit and my behavior is still the same, which does not help my confidence much as is.  Anyways her answer to me was have you ever heard of the phrase you can’t see the forest through the trees ?  Well Oddly enough I had not so here I am go ogling it for two days to “get it” and then My problems will be solved… Dont you love my fucked up, over thinking way of thinking??  Here I am looking at every little detail of this statement to finding the real meaning, as I am reading the meaning over and over ” LOOKING AT TOO MUCH DETAIL AND NOT SEEING THE BIGGER PICTURE”  What the fuck am I missing? Have I lost these many brain cells because I’m still confused.
Could I be avoiding having to look at  myself and that is why I am not surrendering? I thought Detail was important? I have always been told I never pay attention and focus and not I’m paying too much attention. What the fuck am I missing here? I go meetings om a regular basis, I reach out to others, (most of the times) I AM CLEAN, I am doing my Step work, I pray twice a day.  I’m doing all that I need to do to Stay Clean.  My heart still feels empty though? So I know that I must not be doing something right. I know it takes time but what if all this time goes and I am still sitting here clean with an empty heart?





I am just Crazy????

23 01 2013

Read the rest of this entry »





21 10 2012

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Drugs froze my Heart so that I can Pause my feeling…..

21 10 2012

When I started this blog, i wanted to share my story of my husbands affair that changed my life and where i am today. But as I read my first entry, I noticed that I was talking about the affair and the feelings I was feeling . Sure I could go on and on and tell you every painful detail that happened, but the truth is I have relived every painful moment inside my head of this time in my life and I no longer want to carry this anger and those very visual times any longer. This affair was not recent. My husband had an affair 3 years ago, He moved out the day I found out and came back home one year later to find that he thought he could be happier and find someone else that fulfilled needs that maybe I was not nor able to…Although He forgot to mention he was unhappy or was not getting his needs met. In my eyes, during that time, I truly thought I was happy in my marriage. So when it came out to me,, I was in a state of shock. I mean that in a way that my entire body could not move. I stopped thinking , and I tried do hard to speak but I was completely frozen. That feeling is one I NEVER want to wish on anybody.

So lets fast forward so you can start following me on this crazy journey that I am on and that God intended me to be right where I am today. six months before he came back home, I was stil l very much living a almost non functional world. the first 6 months of him leaving I had to figure out to get out of bed and smoke for my kids sake. I just wanted to die. So I found relief by taking some pills. It started with Vicodin when I woke up, and that Vicodin numbed my pain just enough to get me out of bed and be a mommy. Then I would take a few more during that day. They made me Happy…I was actually able to smile a bit.. When I would go to bed I would listen to my son cry for his dad and ask why his daddy wont come back home…I cant tell you what that did to my heart. My 6 year old son cries himself to sleep at night and blames his mommy for making him go to another house. It was my fault. I honestly have never felt so much pain and anger in side of me. I couldnt sleep at night. I would lay there missing my best friend of 10 years who has slept next to me every”night. The only thing that put me to bed was my new “fix me” pill called xanax. So needless to say the entire time he was gone and living another life with another woman, I was at home lost and numbed all the feelings i had to get through each day.

Six months exactly before he came back home, I met a girl who introduced me to my new Best Friend. A glass pipe that she put Crystal Meth in and handed me the pipe… I had never in my 38 years of living tried this drug. I had tried every other drug on the plant but I made a promise to myself that I would never touch Meth because I come from a family of addicts and I watched them all almost die to the drug. My brother lost all of his teeth, My mother picked pits in her face and has horrible scars today, My uncle went to jail. I was surrounded by it my entire life and never touched it.

Everybody tells me you take one hit and you will never be clean again. I took one hit and I was never sober again for entire year and half. I thought my soul was taken when my husband cheated on me, But i was wrong.. My soul was taken with one hit and I lived my entire day-to-day, hour to hour around my new love. Crystal meth. The strange thing is that when i smoked it , I knew I had found my cure to start living again! I felt like Superwoman! In fact I’m pretty sure I thought I was superwoman! Nothing could get in my way! I truly thought I was being a productive person and I finally could let go of my husband who i had fought for everyday to come home. I was ready to fly high into some magical land of Happiness. I started to fly high and I flew right into the hands of the devil. My life became unmanageable in less than 30 days.

To be continued…

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A New Day, A New Start

19 06 2012
I woke up today and actually wanted to “get up” I remember how I use to pray I would sleep fast and get it over with so I could wake up to do my drugs. Now I can go to bed with peace in my mind so I can rest. I can hold my husband with out feeling guilty that I was using. I can wake up and Smile! I used to wake up and the first thing I think about was my drugs and how fast I could get into the bathroom to take a hit. Now I wake up and the first thing I think about is my Husband and kids, and I even think about what I have scheduled for my day which is something I have not done in a long time. It is so amazing how this drug stole my soul. It bring s me to tears to know that my kids spent a year with me this way. How did they not know? How did I function? Today I am Sober. Today I am Grateful. Today I am Alive. Today I have a Husband who loves me and supports me. I am an addict, I know I have always been an addict. Or at least one with a addictive personality. But From the day I married my husband I was already abusing presc
ription medication. If I am truly honest with myself than I know that the last 26 days of my sobriety has been the only true sober days I have spent with my husband married. Sober Susie has a husband she needs to get to know and he needs to get to know her as well. I know that I have only just started working on me and I have about 30 years of growing up to do.





Gratitude

17 05 2012

In this part of my Journal, Each Day I will say one or two things that I am grateful for that day.

May 3rd   Today I am Grateful to be Sober. I could easily go use, But I want to love myself again.  I am also Grateful for my Family not giving up on me.  I need to show more appreciation to my Husband who has been my number one fan with my recovery.  He works all day and is giving my the time to not onlybe home with my kids, but also to give myself the time i need to work on myself. I have such a great opportunity to heal and love myself again. I have the chance to really work hard on me so I can be better to my kids and to Rich. I owe that to my kids at the verty least. I fought too hard , for two year to get my husband to come home and not to give up on our family. Now I need to be that wife he loved. But I also am feeling not as afraid anymore of the fact that he could leave me today as I can leave him a

s well.  I cant predict the future and I cant live my life worrying about the what ifs…. I ve wasted too much time doing that already.








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