Compassion at its Finest

16 12 2013

I miss my mom. I miss her love. I miss her personality. I even miss her Drama a little bit. When I finally got real with myself and knew I had to do what it took to get clean, the main thing I had to start with was not to be around anyone who was using. The first person I had to cut contact with was my mom. Imagine growing up with a mom who lost her own self-worth through her divorce and quickly becoming your new best friend instead of your mom. I suddenly had the Cool mom! Taking her to my friends parties to get drunk, doing cocaine with her on my prom night, then shortly after I had moved out the pills became something we always did and shared together throughout my adulthood life. It got to the point where she would drive me to the urgent cares and give me cash, telling me to go inside fake sciatica pain so they will give me Vicodin so we could share the bottle. This was normal in our life. This was normal up till a year ago and I made a choice to get clean. I took a year to myself to get strong enough to be around my mom and not want to use with her. So I went to see her and it just broke mt heart. When I was high on meth and pills. I was such a selfish bitch that  I didn’t care how hooked my mom was or how unhealthy she was. Now I look at her and its so hard to see her in such denial and anger. I tell her I’m worried about her and her response is to stay the fuck out of her life and that I’m a stupid Bitch. Her own daughter she says this too?? How can she be acting like this? And then I think, holy fuck this is what I was like when I was in denial and angry and selfish. I too would throw away my entire family to keep myself high and not deal with life on life’s terms.  It crazy how this feels cuz its so shocking to me that she is doing this yet I get to see and feel exactly what I put my family through. This is how I treated my husband for 3 years and he never gave up on me. I guess I need to love my mom from afar and continue to tell her I love her and pray that she will reach out for help soon. I need to remember where I came from and Dont give up on her

 

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Finding Empathy

28 01 2013

Today is good day. I am grateful to be OUT of my head and in this very moment. I am learning to stop over thinking every fucking thing around me. I cant worry anymore about whatever the hell I keep worrying about. Yes My Husband had an affair. Yes It hurt. Yes I punished the shit out of him. and Yes I have lost so much Trust in him. It takes a long time to forgive and get past it.  Today the tables are turned and I am the one who had an affair with my Drug. I Hurt him. and many others. Now I am being punished and He has no trust in me. 

I think the hardest part today is trying to sit here and pay the consequences for my actions from my husband.  I do a very good job at not keeping score. I keep the affair separate from my drug use. (or at least I think I do) It is very difficult to  keep my mouth shut and Listen to him be upset and remind me of all that he is angry about. It is almost impossible for me. I think it is because I don’t have enough Respect for him to sit there and listen to his shit. He forgets I didn’t start using Meth until after he had his affair .

 Do I blame him for my drug use? No.  I blame him for living another life behind my back for a year and a half and having him get caught by his blinded wife who ‘s soul was stolen from her in a matter of minutes. I had to find out about about a year worth of lies in about 5 days.  The pain that that was brought upon me is what I blame him for.  The pain he gave me and walked away from was unforgivable at the time. I felt like I was left to die by the man I loved unconditionally and who I called my Best Friend. 

I have nobody to blame for my poor choices but myself. He does not either. It was his  choice to have an affair.  And My choice to pick up that pipe.  So I Guess I need to remind myself today that pain takes a long time to heal depending on how deep the scars are. I cant expect him to forgive me just because  today I am clean. I relapsed and that is a huge set back with trust and him. I understand that and I accept that I have to earn his trust back as he had to earn mine.  I don’t believe I will ever find that same kind of trust I had with him before his affair, because that kind of trust you cant ever get back once its broken.  That TRUST I had for him was so special and was why I choose him as my husband.  It was such a comfortable feeling to be able to walk in a mall with him and I would  point out a woman’s nice ass for us to check out together, and we would laugh and that was a place of comfort and total peace we had with each other that I will forever miss with him. I choose to take him back because I believed in our marriage and I still believe in it today. Sometimes I wonder how in the hell we are going to get through this shit and come out ok with each other but I have always stayed true to what I believe in, and I do believe in my marriage and why I am still here today.

I learned what Empathy is Through all of this, and I wish so much he could find a way to see that I was never trying to hurt him directly, I was trying to hurt myself. It never was about hurting him, just as his affair was not meant to directly hurt me,  His affair was his drug, and we chase our drug like we will die if we cant get more, it becomes this habit, obbsession, addiction, It takes over your life and controls YOU. Nobody else matters and my drug was my lover and his lover was his drug.  Its all the same. 

I guess my point to myself today is to let it be. Give it time. Focus on myself and my recovery and be kind to my husband and grateful I did not loose my house, or kids, or husband. I am very blessed to be alive today and still have people in my life that care about me after all the damage I have done. 





You cant see the forest through the Trees….

25 01 2013

I asked my Sponsor the other day if she thought I was making any progress because I still feel so ” emotionally fucked”  I know what my head feels like when I have 90 days clean and I know what it feels like to have 40 but I just don’t feel like I am where I should be in my recovery. Of course my husband

IMG_5093says I haven’t done shit and my behavior is still the same, which does not help my confidence much as is.  Anyways her answer to me was have you ever heard of the phrase you can’t see the forest through the trees ?  Well Oddly enough I had not so here I am go ogling it for two days to “get it” and then My problems will be solved… Dont you love my fucked up, over thinking way of thinking??  Here I am looking at every little detail of this statement to finding the real meaning, as I am reading the meaning over and over ” LOOKING AT TOO MUCH DETAIL AND NOT SEEING THE BIGGER PICTURE”  What the fuck am I missing? Have I lost these many brain cells because I’m still confused.
Could I be avoiding having to look at  myself and that is why I am not surrendering? I thought Detail was important? I have always been told I never pay attention and focus and not I’m paying too much attention. What the fuck am I missing here? I go meetings om a regular basis, I reach out to others, (most of the times) I AM CLEAN, I am doing my Step work, I pray twice a day.  I’m doing all that I need to do to Stay Clean.  My heart still feels empty though? So I know that I must not be doing something right. I know it takes time but what if all this time goes and I am still sitting here clean with an empty heart?





My own Secret Lover

23 01 2013

I remember the day I met you. It was love at first sight.  The way you looked at me through your sparkly eyes, it was a look that I had never seen before.  When we touched lips, I began to feel your love for me run down my throat and through my veins until I could only feel one feeling and that was that I only wanted to feel  this way with you for the rest of my life. You came into my life at a time when I needed somebody to help me get through my hardest and darkest days ever. You gave me that boost of energy to make me want to wake up in the morning. You gave me a feeling that I could not be hurt anyone or by any person in my life. You followed through with your promises. You were there when nobody else was. You were there when I would wake up and need to feel OK again. I started to depend on you more and more. I didn’t realize I could fall this deeply in love again with something. It became a scary kind of love. I need you more than you needed me. I became more lonely with you. You took my friends away. You took my family away. You took my ability to love away. You took my smile away. I thought you loved me? Why are you making me feel so cold and alone. I feel afraid yet wont stop being with you. I can’t live without you. Please, if you loved me you would not make me feel this way. I don’t want to love you anymore. I don’t want to need you in my life in order to wake up and live my day. I’m sorry but I cant love you any longer. You have ruined my life and taken my soul away. My heart hurts from being so cold for so long. I want to warm my heart again with real love.  Please don’t do this to me. I know I am stronger than you are. I can make you go away forever. I will do it. I will take my heart back and I will heal myself from your poison.  Your glass lips are nothing to me anymore. How could I have kissed you and thought you were going to help me and love me. I’m so sick to my stomach now.  I have broken you many times and I will not do this to myself or my family ever again. Stay away from me because my strength, courage, and willingness to get healthy again will overpower your temporally love that you give me.  Good bye Crystal





I quit

26 10 2012

I take full responsibility for my choices to use drugs. I own everything I have done in my life and I do my best to keep his affair separate and not compare the two. What he did to my self worth can never compare to anything in my lifetime but what I do to change that is up to me and me only me. So I sit here today a drug addict who is in recovery. I sit here and have to earn trust back from those who I have hurt. I sit here and wait patiently for the day my husband will stop being angry at me.  I cant help but wonder why I keep falling down and have to start over. Could it be the fact that every day I wake up and all I hear is what I have done bad in my past from him? Could it be that he tells me good luck in getting a job because I wont be able to find one that could ever amount to how much he makes. Could it be that he wont even look at me in the eye or make love to me anymore. he wonders when I will grow up and do something with myself.  I wonder the same thing too. I wonder why am I staying with a man who provides only a roof over my head and nothing else. Should I be grateful I have a roof over my head? Sure I should and I am. But I will not grow living under this roof. The damage that has been done is not repairable and I need to let go of that false hope that he will put his wall’s down and love me again the way I deserve.  He thinks I need to earn his respect…The same man who Fucked another woman every day the same days he fucked me for over a year.. He has no respect for me?? Are you fucking kidding me?  I am the mother of his children and that alone call for respect. Yes he can call me a drug addict all day long because he is rightl. I am a drug addict. I will always be one.  But I am in recovery and I am clean today. Does it hurt to hear him say nothing but negative hurtful words to me? Yes it does. It hurts me more and more every day and my normal reaction is to go use, but I will not use over him anymore.  Its so crazy how good I feel when I walk into my 12 step meetings and the people there are so accepting of me and encouraging.  They don’t judge me or put me down. They make me want to be a better person. They make me want to do so much more with my life.  Why does my husband not see that what hes doing only makes me feel worse. Maybe he knows thats what he does and maybe that is what he wants. He likes me to feel bad.  Its his way of punishing me.   If he could have just stopped the punishing and saw me for what I am TODAY,  if he could just stay in TODAY with me and say something nothing nice and really put that effort in to emotionally connect with me than he would have seen how the two of us could move forward and we could have grown together.   But I know that will never happen now.  He is focused on what I can do for him and How I can make him feel and should make him feel. IT is about how I act in this marriage, and what I do in this marriage to make things right.  He has himself convinced that hes doing it all right and there is no need for him to put effort into anything because he seems to know it all. He is waiting still for me to change and adapt to his needs and because my needs have never been met or considered , he still thinks that’s how things will be in this marriage. OH and well since I’m the druggie than he always has the upper hand here.  I cant do this anymore.  Even being on drugs and looking at this situation still is wrong in every possible way. You can argue with an idiot.  I may be a drug addict, but Im not stupid. I would rather live without a roof with my kids than deal with this bullshit anymore. I have a feelings. I have a heart. I have goals and needs in my life. I have something to offer this world and I cant do it under these circumstance’s anymore. I want to happy. I dont have to feel stuck. I don’t owe him shit. 





Another day alive to start over…

22 10 2012

I can’t seem to get this thing called growing up!  It seems I have a lot of it to do and I’m overwhelmed just writing about it.   Since my Husbands affair, he has been home almost 2 years now.  Although I didn’t tell him about my affair with Meth until 7 months after he came back to his newly refreshed “tweeker wife”    I can still remember the shock and hurt on his face when I told him I was sick and needed his help. I was so scared to tell him, but I was at a point where I knew I was going to die of I didn’t get help.  I also knew I had fought everyday for 2 years for my husband to come home and I didn’t want to lose him again.  But I had to take  care of ME  for once and safe my life by making the first step and telling somebody.      Part of me wanted him to feel  those same feelings I was forced upon when he hurt my heart.   He was so angry at first, and then just in a state of shock. and then confusion.. And as he was processing his thoughts on his wife putting a glass pipe in her mouth and hiding in the bathroom smoking meth all day , I fell asleep next to him for the next 16 hours.  I woke up to his tears falling my face,  I felt so horrible at that moment to think I would want to put him through the pain I went through.   I think he realized just by looking at me that day how much pain I was in.  I know he felt guilty ,and hurt that how could he not know I was a drug addict?  So many thoughts were running through his head.

I was just so relieved that I didn’t have to carry this secret of mine around me anymore.  I can finally tell someone and not be so afraid of the control it had on be.

He and I still disagree on whose betrayl is the most damaging?   I can’t believe this man honestly believes in his mind that MY drug use for 2 years is more hurtful to us than his Love affair for 2 years.  And why are even comparing this shit?

It has been been a little over a year since I told my husband about my drug use.  And I am an Addict and I am in recovery. I thought I would get fixed and not have to do drugs again.  I thought my husband would come home after fucking another woman for 2 years and he and I would be wonderful and I would be madly in love with  him. I thought my husband  had no right to be mad at me because I spent $20k on drugs when he went on his mini vacation…Noway is he entitled to shit after what he has done to me!!  He owes me my life is what I thought!

I was wrong about each one of those thoughts. I was VERY wrong.  It must have been the drugs that said I would love my husband when he came home from his affair that fucking brought my heart to ice,

I first had to get clean.. The drugs are  my way of dealing with my feelings.  I basically made a bigger mess for myself and everyone involved .  To be an addict mean’s you have to fight your disease everyday to stay clean and healthy.  And if you do not have all the tools to help you with your disease then you will not survive.  This is something today I am still learning. I can say that I am clean today.  And that is how I stay clean today. One day at a time, or even hour by hour.  I have relapsed and had to back up and learn from it.  I also have to  feel the feelings I numbed of my husband’s affair.  After 4 years I am just now today feeling them and dealing with them.   My husband is dealing with a wife who has betrayed him and lied for over a year and has spent a huge amount of money and even stole from him. He is angry and Hurt. He has no trust in me. I feel all the same at him.  We are two people who once loved each other so deeply. We were two people who  our biggest strength in our marriage was trust.  The word does not exist in our marriage today. We are living under the same roof trying so hard to find a way to start over and build a new foundation. I’m not sure that its even possible at that this point, but We are working on it.  I think the most important thing for our marriage now is for me to work on me until I am healthy and have my addiction under control. I know my recovery comes first before anything. Without recovery I will have nothing. Putting my recovery first is very hard as I am not used to putting myself first in any situation. My future is not for me to worry about today. I have to worry about today, and stay of my head. I cant worry about my marriage or my past or my future. these are the very things that fill my head with Chaos and cause me to relapse.





Drugs froze my Heart so that I can Pause my feeling…..

21 10 2012

When I started this blog, i wanted to share my story of my husbands affair that changed my life and where i am today. But as I read my first entry, I noticed that I was talking about the affair and the feelings I was feeling . Sure I could go on and on and tell you every painful detail that happened, but the truth is I have relived every painful moment inside my head of this time in my life and I no longer want to carry this anger and those very visual times any longer. This affair was not recent. My husband had an affair 3 years ago, He moved out the day I found out and came back home one year later to find that he thought he could be happier and find someone else that fulfilled needs that maybe I was not nor able to…Although He forgot to mention he was unhappy or was not getting his needs met. In my eyes, during that time, I truly thought I was happy in my marriage. So when it came out to me,, I was in a state of shock. I mean that in a way that my entire body could not move. I stopped thinking , and I tried do hard to speak but I was completely frozen. That feeling is one I NEVER want to wish on anybody.

So lets fast forward so you can start following me on this crazy journey that I am on and that God intended me to be right where I am today. six months before he came back home, I was stil l very much living a almost non functional world. the first 6 months of him leaving I had to figure out to get out of bed and smoke for my kids sake. I just wanted to die. So I found relief by taking some pills. It started with Vicodin when I woke up, and that Vicodin numbed my pain just enough to get me out of bed and be a mommy. Then I would take a few more during that day. They made me Happy…I was actually able to smile a bit.. When I would go to bed I would listen to my son cry for his dad and ask why his daddy wont come back home…I cant tell you what that did to my heart. My 6 year old son cries himself to sleep at night and blames his mommy for making him go to another house. It was my fault. I honestly have never felt so much pain and anger in side of me. I couldnt sleep at night. I would lay there missing my best friend of 10 years who has slept next to me every”night. The only thing that put me to bed was my new “fix me” pill called xanax. So needless to say the entire time he was gone and living another life with another woman, I was at home lost and numbed all the feelings i had to get through each day.

Six months exactly before he came back home, I met a girl who introduced me to my new Best Friend. A glass pipe that she put Crystal Meth in and handed me the pipe… I had never in my 38 years of living tried this drug. I had tried every other drug on the plant but I made a promise to myself that I would never touch Meth because I come from a family of addicts and I watched them all almost die to the drug. My brother lost all of his teeth, My mother picked pits in her face and has horrible scars today, My uncle went to jail. I was surrounded by it my entire life and never touched it.

Everybody tells me you take one hit and you will never be clean again. I took one hit and I was never sober again for entire year and half. I thought my soul was taken when my husband cheated on me, But i was wrong.. My soul was taken with one hit and I lived my entire day-to-day, hour to hour around my new love. Crystal meth. The strange thing is that when i smoked it , I knew I had found my cure to start living again! I felt like Superwoman! In fact I’m pretty sure I thought I was superwoman! Nothing could get in my way! I truly thought I was being a productive person and I finally could let go of my husband who i had fought for everyday to come home. I was ready to fly high into some magical land of Happiness. I started to fly high and I flew right into the hands of the devil. My life became unmanageable in less than 30 days.

To be continued…

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