Happy One Year To Me!!!!!!

I cant believe it has been 12 months since i have been on my blog. It is crazy how different I see things today compared to this time last December. I have taken these last 12 months to stay clean, focus on my family, and nurture and love myself for the first time in many many years. I think it took a good 6 months for the “voices” to go away in my head. and it took only 3 months to go from 92 pounds to 140lbs! I was making up for some lost suppers the past 3 years of my using. The hard part is learning how to keep the chaos out of my head on a daily basis. Or shall I say the Bullshit. Its all just chaotic Bullshit that lives up in my head that used to cause me to be impulsive, insecure, and make poor choices. I don’t know exactly how I keep it out today but I know that keeping my ass busy all time is key for me. So during this last year I have manged to do a few things like get a job, wake up like a normal person and take care of the daily basic things that are simple for most people but seem so difficult for someone who has been hiding in the bathroom for the last 3 years with a meth pipe in her mouth. The first 6 months of my recovery and walking into my bathroom was a trigger for me as that was where all the “magic” happened. But today I walk into my bathroom and my stomach always turns and I fell sick with shame. Its trip’s me out to think I was ready to give up everything for that glass pipe. I was willing to throw my entire family away in order to keep getting high. 

Last week I went to my Home Group meeting and My husband and Sponsor gave me my one year cake! I fucking did it!! After 3 long years of falling down, I finally was able to gather one full year of true clean time! No pills, No Meth..Nothing!!! Just me, and my feelings and a huge support group that gave me pure unconditional Love! I feel peace within and I can say that I might even Like me!!

 

Finding Empathy

Today is good day. I am grateful to be OUT of my head and in this very moment. I am learning to stop over thinking every fucking thing around me. I cant worry anymore about whatever the hell I keep worrying about. Yes My Husband had an affair. Yes It hurt. Yes I punished the shit out of him. and Yes I have lost so much Trust in him. It takes a long time to forgive and get past it.  Today the tables are turned and I am the one who had an affair with my Drug. I Hurt him. and many others. Now I am being punished and He has no trust in me. 

I think the hardest part today is trying to sit here and pay the consequences for my actions from my husband.  I do a very good job at not keeping score. I keep the affair separate from my drug use. (or at least I think I do) It is very difficult to  keep my mouth shut and Listen to him be upset and remind me of all that he is angry about. It is almost impossible for me. I think it is because I don’t have enough Respect for him to sit there and listen to his shit. He forgets I didn’t start using Meth until after he had his affair .

 Do I blame him for my drug use? No.  I blame him for living another life behind my back for a year and a half and having him get caught by his blinded wife who ‘s soul was stolen from her in a matter of minutes. I had to find out about about a year worth of lies in about 5 days.  The pain that that was brought upon me is what I blame him for.  The pain he gave me and walked away from was unforgivable at the time. I felt like I was left to die by the man I loved unconditionally and who I called my Best Friend. 

I have nobody to blame for my poor choices but myself. He does not either. It was his  choice to have an affair.  And My choice to pick up that pipe.  So I Guess I need to remind myself today that pain takes a long time to heal depending on how deep the scars are. I cant expect him to forgive me just because  today I am clean. I relapsed and that is a huge set back with trust and him. I understand that and I accept that I have to earn his trust back as he had to earn mine.  I don’t believe I will ever find that same kind of trust I had with him before his affair, because that kind of trust you cant ever get back once its broken.  That TRUST I had for him was so special and was why I choose him as my husband.  It was such a comfortable feeling to be able to walk in a mall with him and I would  point out a woman’s nice ass for us to check out together, and we would laugh and that was a place of comfort and total peace we had with each other that I will forever miss with him. I choose to take him back because I believed in our marriage and I still believe in it today. Sometimes I wonder how in the hell we are going to get through this shit and come out ok with each other but I have always stayed true to what I believe in, and I do believe in my marriage and why I am still here today.

I learned what Empathy is Through all of this, and I wish so much he could find a way to see that I was never trying to hurt him directly, I was trying to hurt myself. It never was about hurting him, just as his affair was not meant to directly hurt me,  His affair was his drug, and we chase our drug like we will die if we cant get more, it becomes this habit, obbsession, addiction, It takes over your life and controls YOU. Nobody else matters and my drug was my lover and his lover was his drug.  Its all the same. 

I guess my point to myself today is to let it be. Give it time. Focus on myself and my recovery and be kind to my husband and grateful I did not loose my house, or kids, or husband. I am very blessed to be alive today and still have people in my life that care about me after all the damage I have done. 

My own Secret Lover

I remember the day I met you. It was love at first sight.  The way you looked at me through your sparkly eyes, it was a look that I had never seen before.  When we touched lips, I began to feel your love for me run down my throat and through my veins until I could only feel one feeling and that was that I only wanted to feel  this way with you for the rest of my life. You came into my life at a time when I needed somebody to help me get through my hardest and darkest days ever. You gave me that boost of energy to make me want to wake up in the morning. You gave me a feeling that I could not be hurt anyone or by any person in my life. You followed through with your promises. You were there when nobody else was. You were there when I would wake up and need to feel OK again. I started to depend on you more and more. I didn’t realize I could fall this deeply in love again with something. It became a scary kind of love. I need you more than you needed me. I became more lonely with you. You took my friends away. You took my family away. You took my ability to love away. You took my smile away. I thought you loved me? Why are you making me feel so cold and alone. I feel afraid yet wont stop being with you. I can’t live without you. Please, if you loved me you would not make me feel this way. I don’t want to love you anymore. I don’t want to need you in my life in order to wake up and live my day. I’m sorry but I cant love you any longer. You have ruined my life and taken my soul away. My heart hurts from being so cold for so long. I want to warm my heart again with real love.  Please don’t do this to me. I know I am stronger than you are. I can make you go away forever. I will do it. I will take my heart back and I will heal myself from your poison.  Your glass lips are nothing to me anymore. How could I have kissed you and thought you were going to help me and love me. I’m so sick to my stomach now.  I have broken you many times and I will not do this to myself or my family ever again. Stay away from me because my strength, courage, and willingness to get healthy again will overpower your temporally love that you give me.  Good bye Crystal

Drugs froze my Heart so that I can Pause my feeling…..

When I started this blog, i wanted to share my story of my husbands affair that changed my life and where i am today. But as I read my first entry, I noticed that I was talking about the affair and the feelings I was feeling . Sure I could go on and on and tell you every painful detail that happened, but the truth is I have relived every painful moment inside my head of this time in my life and I no longer want to carry this anger and those very visual times any longer. This affair was not recent. My husband had an affair 3 years ago, He moved out the day I found out and came back home one year later to find that he thought he could be happier and find someone else that fulfilled needs that maybe I was not nor able to…Although He forgot to mention he was unhappy or was not getting his needs met. In my eyes, during that time, I truly thought I was happy in my marriage. So when it came out to me,, I was in a state of shock. I mean that in a way that my entire body could not move. I stopped thinking , and I tried do hard to speak but I was completely frozen. That feeling is one I NEVER want to wish on anybody.

So lets fast forward so you can start following me on this crazy journey that I am on and that God intended me to be right where I am today. six months before he came back home, I was stil l very much living a almost non functional world. the first 6 months of him leaving I had to figure out to get out of bed and smoke for my kids sake. I just wanted to die. So I found relief by taking some pills. It started with Vicodin when I woke up, and that Vicodin numbed my pain just enough to get me out of bed and be a mommy. Then I would take a few more during that day. They made me Happy…I was actually able to smile a bit.. When I would go to bed I would listen to my son cry for his dad and ask why his daddy wont come back home…I cant tell you what that did to my heart. My 6 year old son cries himself to sleep at night and blames his mommy for making him go to another house. It was my fault. I honestly have never felt so much pain and anger in side of me. I couldnt sleep at night. I would lay there missing my best friend of 10 years who has slept next to me every”night. The only thing that put me to bed was my new “fix me” pill called xanax. So needless to say the entire time he was gone and living another life with another woman, I was at home lost and numbed all the feelings i had to get through each day.

Six months exactly before he came back home, I met a girl who introduced me to my new Best Friend. A glass pipe that she put Crystal Meth in and handed me the pipe… I had never in my 38 years of living tried this drug. I had tried every other drug on the plant but I made a promise to myself that I would never touch Meth because I come from a family of addicts and I watched them all almost die to the drug. My brother lost all of his teeth, My mother picked pits in her face and has horrible scars today, My uncle went to jail. I was surrounded by it my entire life and never touched it.

Everybody tells me you take one hit and you will never be clean again. I took one hit and I was never sober again for entire year and half. I thought my soul was taken when my husband cheated on me, But i was wrong.. My soul was taken with one hit and I lived my entire day-to-day, hour to hour around my new love. Crystal meth. The strange thing is that when i smoked it , I knew I had found my cure to start living again! I felt like Superwoman! In fact I’m pretty sure I thought I was superwoman! Nothing could get in my way! I truly thought I was being a productive person and I finally could let go of my husband who i had fought for everyday to come home. I was ready to fly high into some magical land of Happiness. I started to fly high and I flew right into the hands of the devil. My life became unmanageable in less than 30 days.

To be continued…

A New Day, A New Start

I woke up today and actually wanted to “get up” I remember how I use to pray I would sleep fast and get it over with so I could wake up to do my drugs. Now I can go to bed with peace in my mind so I can rest. I can hold my husband with out feeling guilty that I was using. I can wake up and Smile! I used to wake up and the first thing I think about was my drugs and how fast I could get into the bathroom to take a hit. Now I wake up and the first thing I think about is my Husband and kids, and I even think about what I have scheduled for my day which is something I have not done in a long time. It is so amazing how this drug stole my soul. It bring s me to tears to know that my kids spent a year with me this way. How did they not know? How did I function? Today I am Sober. Today I am Grateful. Today I am Alive. Today I have a Husband who loves me and supports me. I am an addict, I know I have always been an addict. Or at least one with a addictive personality. But From the day I married my husband I was already abusing presc
ription medication. If I am truly honest with myself than I know that the last 26 days of my sobriety has been the only true sober days I have spent with my husband married. Sober Susie has a husband she needs to get to know and he needs to get to know her as well. I know that I have only just started working on me and I have about 30 years of growing up to do.