Compassion at its Finest

16 12 2013

I miss my mom. I miss her love. I miss her personality. I even miss her Drama a little bit. When I finally got real with myself and knew I had to do what it took to get clean, the main thing I had to start with was not to be around anyone who was using. The first person I had to cut contact with was my mom. Imagine growing up with a mom who lost her own self-worth through her divorce and quickly becoming your new best friend instead of your mom. I suddenly had the Cool mom! Taking her to my friends parties to get drunk, doing cocaine with her on my prom night, then shortly after I had moved out the pills became something we always did and shared together throughout my adulthood life. It got to the point where she would drive me to the urgent cares and give me cash, telling me to go inside fake sciatica pain so they will give me Vicodin so we could share the bottle. This was normal in our life. This was normal up till a year ago and I made a choice to get clean. I took a year to myself to get strong enough to be around my mom and not want to use with her. So I went to see her and it just broke mt heart. When I was high on meth and pills. I was such a selfish bitch that  I didn’t care how hooked my mom was or how unhealthy she was. Now I look at her and its so hard to see her in such denial and anger. I tell her I’m worried about her and her response is to stay the fuck out of her life and that I’m a stupid Bitch. Her own daughter she says this too?? How can she be acting like this? And then I think, holy fuck this is what I was like when I was in denial and angry and selfish. I too would throw away my entire family to keep myself high and not deal with life on life’s terms.  It crazy how this feels cuz its so shocking to me that she is doing this yet I get to see and feel exactly what I put my family through. This is how I treated my husband for 3 years and he never gave up on me. I guess I need to love my mom from afar and continue to tell her I love her and pray that she will reach out for help soon. I need to remember where I came from and Dont give up on her

 

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Happy One Year To Me!!!!!!

15 12 2013

I cant believe it has been 12 months since i have been on my blog. It is crazy how different I see things today compared to this time last December. I have taken these last 12 months to stay clean, focus on my family, and nurture and love myself for the first time in many many years. I think it took a good 6 months for the “voices” to go away in my head. and it took only 3 months to go from 92 pounds to 140lbs! I was making up for some lost suppers the past 3 years of my using. The hard part is learning how to keep the chaos out of my head on a daily basis. Or shall I say the Bullshit. Its all just chaotic Bullshit that lives up in my head that used to cause me to be impulsive, insecure, and make poor choices. I don’t know exactly how I keep it out today but I know that keeping my ass busy all time is key for me. So during this last year I have manged to do a few things like get a job, wake up like a normal person and take care of the daily basic things that are simple for most people but seem so difficult for someone who has been hiding in the bathroom for the last 3 years with a meth pipe in her mouth. The first 6 months of my recovery and walking into my bathroom was a trigger for me as that was where all the “magic” happened. But today I walk into my bathroom and my stomach always turns and I fell sick with shame. Its trip’s me out to think I was ready to give up everything for that glass pipe. I was willing to throw my entire family away in order to keep getting high. 

Last week I went to my Home Group meeting and My husband and Sponsor gave me my one year cake! I fucking did it!! After 3 long years of falling down, I finally was able to gather one full year of true clean time! No pills, No Meth..Nothing!!! Just me, and my feelings and a huge support group that gave me pure unconditional Love! I feel peace within and I can say that I might even Like me!!

 





Finding Empathy

28 01 2013

Today is good day. I am grateful to be OUT of my head and in this very moment. I am learning to stop over thinking every fucking thing around me. I cant worry anymore about whatever the hell I keep worrying about. Yes My Husband had an affair. Yes It hurt. Yes I punished the shit out of him. and Yes I have lost so much Trust in him. It takes a long time to forgive and get past it.  Today the tables are turned and I am the one who had an affair with my Drug. I Hurt him. and many others. Now I am being punished and He has no trust in me. 

I think the hardest part today is trying to sit here and pay the consequences for my actions from my husband.  I do a very good job at not keeping score. I keep the affair separate from my drug use. (or at least I think I do) It is very difficult to  keep my mouth shut and Listen to him be upset and remind me of all that he is angry about. It is almost impossible for me. I think it is because I don’t have enough Respect for him to sit there and listen to his shit. He forgets I didn’t start using Meth until after he had his affair .

 Do I blame him for my drug use? No.  I blame him for living another life behind my back for a year and a half and having him get caught by his blinded wife who ‘s soul was stolen from her in a matter of minutes. I had to find out about about a year worth of lies in about 5 days.  The pain that that was brought upon me is what I blame him for.  The pain he gave me and walked away from was unforgivable at the time. I felt like I was left to die by the man I loved unconditionally and who I called my Best Friend. 

I have nobody to blame for my poor choices but myself. He does not either. It was his  choice to have an affair.  And My choice to pick up that pipe.  So I Guess I need to remind myself today that pain takes a long time to heal depending on how deep the scars are. I cant expect him to forgive me just because  today I am clean. I relapsed and that is a huge set back with trust and him. I understand that and I accept that I have to earn his trust back as he had to earn mine.  I don’t believe I will ever find that same kind of trust I had with him before his affair, because that kind of trust you cant ever get back once its broken.  That TRUST I had for him was so special and was why I choose him as my husband.  It was such a comfortable feeling to be able to walk in a mall with him and I would  point out a woman’s nice ass for us to check out together, and we would laugh and that was a place of comfort and total peace we had with each other that I will forever miss with him. I choose to take him back because I believed in our marriage and I still believe in it today. Sometimes I wonder how in the hell we are going to get through this shit and come out ok with each other but I have always stayed true to what I believe in, and I do believe in my marriage and why I am still here today.

I learned what Empathy is Through all of this, and I wish so much he could find a way to see that I was never trying to hurt him directly, I was trying to hurt myself. It never was about hurting him, just as his affair was not meant to directly hurt me,  His affair was his drug, and we chase our drug like we will die if we cant get more, it becomes this habit, obbsession, addiction, It takes over your life and controls YOU. Nobody else matters and my drug was my lover and his lover was his drug.  Its all the same. 

I guess my point to myself today is to let it be. Give it time. Focus on myself and my recovery and be kind to my husband and grateful I did not loose my house, or kids, or husband. I am very blessed to be alive today and still have people in my life that care about me after all the damage I have done. 





You cant see the forest through the Trees….

25 01 2013

I asked my Sponsor the other day if she thought I was making any progress because I still feel so ” emotionally fucked”  I know what my head feels like when I have 90 days clean and I know what it feels like to have 40 but I just don’t feel like I am where I should be in my recovery. Of course my husband

IMG_5093says I haven’t done shit and my behavior is still the same, which does not help my confidence much as is.  Anyways her answer to me was have you ever heard of the phrase you can’t see the forest through the trees ?  Well Oddly enough I had not so here I am go ogling it for two days to “get it” and then My problems will be solved… Dont you love my fucked up, over thinking way of thinking??  Here I am looking at every little detail of this statement to finding the real meaning, as I am reading the meaning over and over ” LOOKING AT TOO MUCH DETAIL AND NOT SEEING THE BIGGER PICTURE”  What the fuck am I missing? Have I lost these many brain cells because I’m still confused.
Could I be avoiding having to look at  myself and that is why I am not surrendering? I thought Detail was important? I have always been told I never pay attention and focus and not I’m paying too much attention. What the fuck am I missing here? I go meetings om a regular basis, I reach out to others, (most of the times) I AM CLEAN, I am doing my Step work, I pray twice a day.  I’m doing all that I need to do to Stay Clean.  My heart still feels empty though? So I know that I must not be doing something right. I know it takes time but what if all this time goes and I am still sitting here clean with an empty heart?





My own Secret Lover

23 01 2013

I remember the day I met you. It was love at first sight.  The way you looked at me through your sparkly eyes, it was a look that I had never seen before.  When we touched lips, I began to feel your love for me run down my throat and through my veins until I could only feel one feeling and that was that I only wanted to feel  this way with you for the rest of my life. You came into my life at a time when I needed somebody to help me get through my hardest and darkest days ever. You gave me that boost of energy to make me want to wake up in the morning. You gave me a feeling that I could not be hurt anyone or by any person in my life. You followed through with your promises. You were there when nobody else was. You were there when I would wake up and need to feel OK again. I started to depend on you more and more. I didn’t realize I could fall this deeply in love again with something. It became a scary kind of love. I need you more than you needed me. I became more lonely with you. You took my friends away. You took my family away. You took my ability to love away. You took my smile away. I thought you loved me? Why are you making me feel so cold and alone. I feel afraid yet wont stop being with you. I can’t live without you. Please, if you loved me you would not make me feel this way. I don’t want to love you anymore. I don’t want to need you in my life in order to wake up and live my day. I’m sorry but I cant love you any longer. You have ruined my life and taken my soul away. My heart hurts from being so cold for so long. I want to warm my heart again with real love.  Please don’t do this to me. I know I am stronger than you are. I can make you go away forever. I will do it. I will take my heart back and I will heal myself from your poison.  Your glass lips are nothing to me anymore. How could I have kissed you and thought you were going to help me and love me. I’m so sick to my stomach now.  I have broken you many times and I will not do this to myself or my family ever again. Stay away from me because my strength, courage, and willingness to get healthy again will overpower your temporally love that you give me.  Good bye Crystal





Stop punishing me

24 12 2012

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Today I am 75 days clean. I have to tell on myself to keep me Honest. I Relapsed when I was at 89 days. I was one day away from that 90 day key chain That I worked so hard for to get in my hands and feel proud of me. I think back on my Relapse and I try to see what I was doing wrong , or what I was not doing that made me relapse. One thing I know is that I really focused my clean time on getting those key chains, and I counted every single day I was clean. I was so focused on getting to 30 days and then 60 days and though it was a good motivator for myself, I got to wrapped up in how many days clean I had, instead of staying the moment. I didnt know what that meant. Stay in the moment? How in the fuck can I do that? Im too busy feeling this new thing called FEELINGS for the first time in 24 years. Holy shit I am feeling things that I never knew it was even a feeling. I cry watcging a TV commercial now. I laugh and can not stop. I cry and I dont understand why. I know It will take time to adjust. But its embarrassing to feel for the first time as a 40 year old woman. It is also frustrating to not have your spouse understand what is going on in my world everyday. I can understand his frustration and that is why I dont try to make him understand me because I cant. He is not an addict and he will never get what goes on in my mind everyday. I pray every day that he will go to naranon so he can get better too. He does not understand that this is a family disease. And I am doing the work I need to and I am making changes. But he does not see that if I make changes, He too has to take a look at himself and change. If he does not change as well than the problem will not go away. But I cant control him nor can I force him to see any of this. I can only pray that he will see one day how much his involvement in a program for himself will help with our relationship and how we comunicate and ineract with one another on a daily basis. I thought getting clean would make life all better. and everybody would be happy again. HA! I think the scariest part of being clean today is that I can see things today in my life for what they are and I dont like what I see right now very much. For 10 years I have created this life with my husband and I was never clean my entire marriage. I just went with the flow and lived for him. How can I suddenly expect to make my family change the only one thing they know of me and who I have been to them. How do I make them see what I see today? How do I make my husband stop seeing me for what I was? I know it takes time, I know I cant change 10 years in one night. But I am learning so much about myself and Though its scary, It is fun and exciting and I just want to share with him my feelings.

But I cant. Hes too busy being angry at me and putting me in time out , (as I call it) The minute I feel a tiny bit good about me, He always seems to remind me of what i have done wrong and what I am not doing right today. I cant seem to win in this life I live in. Though I want my marriage to workout so badly i see failure because with this diesase Not just the addict has to make changes, and I dont think he will ever see thst or understand. I have to to stay clean and continue to grow knowing that things might not tuen out the way I had thought they would. I cant change his thinking, nor can I make him see what needs to be REALLY happen in order for this marriage to survive. I know I have a long Road ahead of me in my recovery and i know that in order for me to stay true to me and really find what makes me happy, then I have to start doing those things even if it is going to upset others in my world because they are used to a certain way with me. I want to love myself again. I dont want to have my past poor choices thrown at me everyday by my best friend and lover. I dont want to be defined by my past actions today by someone who says they are my biggest support system. That is not support. I need encouragement. A little enocuragement goes such a long way with me. I need him to forgive me now and start loveing me again. I need him to stop being angry now. Its time to let go and just love me a little bit.I know hes scared I will relapse again and I get that, but I cant continue living with somebody who cant even look at me in the eyes anymore, when Im trying to forgive myself for all of my actions that caused pain to others, I need my best friend to help me by understanding that I am feeling for the first time in 24 years and to find a way in his heart to try to be a little more understanding ot at least more gentle with his words that are very strong and hurtful . I





A New Day, A New Start

19 06 2012
I woke up today and actually wanted to “get up” I remember how I use to pray I would sleep fast and get it over with so I could wake up to do my drugs. Now I can go to bed with peace in my mind so I can rest. I can hold my husband with out feeling guilty that I was using. I can wake up and Smile! I used to wake up and the first thing I think about was my drugs and how fast I could get into the bathroom to take a hit. Now I wake up and the first thing I think about is my Husband and kids, and I even think about what I have scheduled for my day which is something I have not done in a long time. It is so amazing how this drug stole my soul. It bring s me to tears to know that my kids spent a year with me this way. How did they not know? How did I function? Today I am Sober. Today I am Grateful. Today I am Alive. Today I have a Husband who loves me and supports me. I am an addict, I know I have always been an addict. Or at least one with a addictive personality. But From the day I married my husband I was already abusing presc
ription medication. If I am truly honest with myself than I know that the last 26 days of my sobriety has been the only true sober days I have spent with my husband married. Sober Susie has a husband she needs to get to know and he needs to get to know her as well. I know that I have only just started working on me and I have about 30 years of growing up to do.








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