Feelings

20 06 2014

Today I am almost 18 months clean
Today I feel alone
Today I feel content
Today I feel happy to be in my own skin
Today I feel unhappy in my intimate life
Today I feel happy being with my kids
Today I feel happy being with me
Today I can be ok with being with me
Today I feel like I will be ok
Today I feel my marriage is not what I thought it was when I was high
Today I need more from him
Today he can’t give me that
Today I can be ok with that

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Compassion at its Finest

16 12 2013

I miss my mom. I miss her love. I miss her personality. I even miss her Drama a little bit. When I finally got real with myself and knew I had to do what it took to get clean, the main thing I had to start with was not to be around anyone who was using. The first person I had to cut contact with was my mom. Imagine growing up with a mom who lost her own self-worth through her divorce and quickly becoming your new best friend instead of your mom. I suddenly had the Cool mom! Taking her to my friends parties to get drunk, doing cocaine with her on my prom night, then shortly after I had moved out the pills became something we always did and shared together throughout my adulthood life. It got to the point where she would drive me to the urgent cares and give me cash, telling me to go inside fake sciatica pain so they will give me Vicodin so we could share the bottle. This was normal in our life. This was normal up till a year ago and I made a choice to get clean. I took a year to myself to get strong enough to be around my mom and not want to use with her. So I went to see her and it just broke mt heart. When I was high on meth and pills. I was such a selfish bitch that  I didn’t care how hooked my mom was or how unhealthy she was. Now I look at her and its so hard to see her in such denial and anger. I tell her I’m worried about her and her response is to stay the fuck out of her life and that I’m a stupid Bitch. Her own daughter she says this too?? How can she be acting like this? And then I think, holy fuck this is what I was like when I was in denial and angry and selfish. I too would throw away my entire family to keep myself high and not deal with life on life’s terms.  It crazy how this feels cuz its so shocking to me that she is doing this yet I get to see and feel exactly what I put my family through. This is how I treated my husband for 3 years and he never gave up on me. I guess I need to love my mom from afar and continue to tell her I love her and pray that she will reach out for help soon. I need to remember where I came from and Dont give up on her

 





Happy One Year To Me!!!!!!

15 12 2013

I cant believe it has been 12 months since i have been on my blog. It is crazy how different I see things today compared to this time last December. I have taken these last 12 months to stay clean, focus on my family, and nurture and love myself for the first time in many many years. I think it took a good 6 months for the “voices” to go away in my head. and it took only 3 months to go from 92 pounds to 140lbs! I was making up for some lost suppers the past 3 years of my using. The hard part is learning how to keep the chaos out of my head on a daily basis. Or shall I say the Bullshit. Its all just chaotic Bullshit that lives up in my head that used to cause me to be impulsive, insecure, and make poor choices. I don’t know exactly how I keep it out today but I know that keeping my ass busy all time is key for me. So during this last year I have manged to do a few things like get a job, wake up like a normal person and take care of the daily basic things that are simple for most people but seem so difficult for someone who has been hiding in the bathroom for the last 3 years with a meth pipe in her mouth. The first 6 months of my recovery and walking into my bathroom was a trigger for me as that was where all the “magic” happened. But today I walk into my bathroom and my stomach always turns and I fell sick with shame. Its trip’s me out to think I was ready to give up everything for that glass pipe. I was willing to throw my entire family away in order to keep getting high. 

Last week I went to my Home Group meeting and My husband and Sponsor gave me my one year cake! I fucking did it!! After 3 long years of falling down, I finally was able to gather one full year of true clean time! No pills, No Meth..Nothing!!! Just me, and my feelings and a huge support group that gave me pure unconditional Love! I feel peace within and I can say that I might even Like me!!

 





16 02 2013

Living Clean

img_47523.jpgI remember the day I met you. It was love at first sight. The way you looked at me through your sparkly eyes, it was a look that I had never seen before. When we touched lips, I began to feel your love for me run down my throat and through my veins until I could only feel one feeling and that was that I only wanted to feel this way with you for the rest of my life. You came into my life at a time when I needed somebody to help me get through my hardest and darkest days ever. You gave me that boost of energy to make me want to wake up in the morning. You gave me a feeling that I could not be hurt anyone or by any person in my life. You followed through with your promises. You were there when nobody else…

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Finding Empathy

28 01 2013

Today is good day. I am grateful to be OUT of my head and in this very moment. I am learning to stop over thinking every fucking thing around me. I cant worry anymore about whatever the hell I keep worrying about. Yes My Husband had an affair. Yes It hurt. Yes I punished the shit out of him. and Yes I have lost so much Trust in him. It takes a long time to forgive and get past it.  Today the tables are turned and I am the one who had an affair with my Drug. I Hurt him. and many others. Now I am being punished and He has no trust in me. 

I think the hardest part today is trying to sit here and pay the consequences for my actions from my husband.  I do a very good job at not keeping score. I keep the affair separate from my drug use. (or at least I think I do) It is very difficult to  keep my mouth shut and Listen to him be upset and remind me of all that he is angry about. It is almost impossible for me. I think it is because I don’t have enough Respect for him to sit there and listen to his shit. He forgets I didn’t start using Meth until after he had his affair .

 Do I blame him for my drug use? No.  I blame him for living another life behind my back for a year and a half and having him get caught by his blinded wife who ‘s soul was stolen from her in a matter of minutes. I had to find out about about a year worth of lies in about 5 days.  The pain that that was brought upon me is what I blame him for.  The pain he gave me and walked away from was unforgivable at the time. I felt like I was left to die by the man I loved unconditionally and who I called my Best Friend. 

I have nobody to blame for my poor choices but myself. He does not either. It was his  choice to have an affair.  And My choice to pick up that pipe.  So I Guess I need to remind myself today that pain takes a long time to heal depending on how deep the scars are. I cant expect him to forgive me just because  today I am clean. I relapsed and that is a huge set back with trust and him. I understand that and I accept that I have to earn his trust back as he had to earn mine.  I don’t believe I will ever find that same kind of trust I had with him before his affair, because that kind of trust you cant ever get back once its broken.  That TRUST I had for him was so special and was why I choose him as my husband.  It was such a comfortable feeling to be able to walk in a mall with him and I would  point out a woman’s nice ass for us to check out together, and we would laugh and that was a place of comfort and total peace we had with each other that I will forever miss with him. I choose to take him back because I believed in our marriage and I still believe in it today. Sometimes I wonder how in the hell we are going to get through this shit and come out ok with each other but I have always stayed true to what I believe in, and I do believe in my marriage and why I am still here today.

I learned what Empathy is Through all of this, and I wish so much he could find a way to see that I was never trying to hurt him directly, I was trying to hurt myself. It never was about hurting him, just as his affair was not meant to directly hurt me,  His affair was his drug, and we chase our drug like we will die if we cant get more, it becomes this habit, obbsession, addiction, It takes over your life and controls YOU. Nobody else matters and my drug was my lover and his lover was his drug.  Its all the same. 

I guess my point to myself today is to let it be. Give it time. Focus on myself and my recovery and be kind to my husband and grateful I did not loose my house, or kids, or husband. I am very blessed to be alive today and still have people in my life that care about me after all the damage I have done. 





You cant see the forest through the Trees….

25 01 2013

I asked my Sponsor the other day if she thought I was making any progress because I still feel so ” emotionally fucked”  I know what my head feels like when I have 90 days clean and I know what it feels like to have 40 but I just don’t feel like I am where I should be in my recovery. Of course my husband

IMG_5093says I haven’t done shit and my behavior is still the same, which does not help my confidence much as is.  Anyways her answer to me was have you ever heard of the phrase you can’t see the forest through the trees ?  Well Oddly enough I had not so here I am go ogling it for two days to “get it” and then My problems will be solved… Dont you love my fucked up, over thinking way of thinking??  Here I am looking at every little detail of this statement to finding the real meaning, as I am reading the meaning over and over ” LOOKING AT TOO MUCH DETAIL AND NOT SEEING THE BIGGER PICTURE”  What the fuck am I missing? Have I lost these many brain cells because I’m still confused.
Could I be avoiding having to look at  myself and that is why I am not surrendering? I thought Detail was important? I have always been told I never pay attention and focus and not I’m paying too much attention. What the fuck am I missing here? I go meetings om a regular basis, I reach out to others, (most of the times) I AM CLEAN, I am doing my Step work, I pray twice a day.  I’m doing all that I need to do to Stay Clean.  My heart still feels empty though? So I know that I must not be doing something right. I know it takes time but what if all this time goes and I am still sitting here clean with an empty heart?





I am just Crazy????

23 01 2013

Read the rest of this entry »








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