Finding Empathy

28 01 2013

Today is good day. I am grateful to be OUT of my head and in this very moment. I am learning to stop over thinking every fucking thing around me. I cant worry anymore about whatever the hell I keep worrying about. Yes My Husband had an affair. Yes It hurt. Yes I punished the shit out of him. and Yes I have lost so much Trust in him. It takes a long time to forgive and get past it.  Today the tables are turned and I am the one who had an affair with my Drug. I Hurt him. and many others. Now I am being punished and He has no trust in me. 

I think the hardest part today is trying to sit here and pay the consequences for my actions from my husband.  I do a very good job at not keeping score. I keep the affair separate from my drug use. (or at least I think I do) It is very difficult to  keep my mouth shut and Listen to him be upset and remind me of all that he is angry about. It is almost impossible for me. I think it is because I don’t have enough Respect for him to sit there and listen to his shit. He forgets I didn’t start using Meth until after he had his affair .

 Do I blame him for my drug use? No.  I blame him for living another life behind my back for a year and a half and having him get caught by his blinded wife who ‘s soul was stolen from her in a matter of minutes. I had to find out about about a year worth of lies in about 5 days.  The pain that that was brought upon me is what I blame him for.  The pain he gave me and walked away from was unforgivable at the time. I felt like I was left to die by the man I loved unconditionally and who I called my Best Friend. 

I have nobody to blame for my poor choices but myself. He does not either. It was his  choice to have an affair.  And My choice to pick up that pipe.  So I Guess I need to remind myself today that pain takes a long time to heal depending on how deep the scars are. I cant expect him to forgive me just because  today I am clean. I relapsed and that is a huge set back with trust and him. I understand that and I accept that I have to earn his trust back as he had to earn mine.  I don’t believe I will ever find that same kind of trust I had with him before his affair, because that kind of trust you cant ever get back once its broken.  That TRUST I had for him was so special and was why I choose him as my husband.  It was such a comfortable feeling to be able to walk in a mall with him and I would  point out a woman’s nice ass for us to check out together, and we would laugh and that was a place of comfort and total peace we had with each other that I will forever miss with him. I choose to take him back because I believed in our marriage and I still believe in it today. Sometimes I wonder how in the hell we are going to get through this shit and come out ok with each other but I have always stayed true to what I believe in, and I do believe in my marriage and why I am still here today.

I learned what Empathy is Through all of this, and I wish so much he could find a way to see that I was never trying to hurt him directly, I was trying to hurt myself. It never was about hurting him, just as his affair was not meant to directly hurt me,  His affair was his drug, and we chase our drug like we will die if we cant get more, it becomes this habit, obbsession, addiction, It takes over your life and controls YOU. Nobody else matters and my drug was my lover and his lover was his drug.  Its all the same. 

I guess my point to myself today is to let it be. Give it time. Focus on myself and my recovery and be kind to my husband and grateful I did not loose my house, or kids, or husband. I am very blessed to be alive today and still have people in my life that care about me after all the damage I have done. 


I quit

26 10 2012

I take full responsibility for my choices to use drugs. I own everything I have done in my life and I do my best to keep his affair separate and not compare the two. What he did to my self worth can never compare to anything in my lifetime but what I do to change that is up to me and me only me. So I sit here today a drug addict who is in recovery. I sit here and have to earn trust back from those who I have hurt. I sit here and wait patiently for the day my husband will stop being angry at me.  I cant help but wonder why I keep falling down and have to start over. Could it be the fact that every day I wake up and all I hear is what I have done bad in my past from him? Could it be that he tells me good luck in getting a job because I wont be able to find one that could ever amount to how much he makes. Could it be that he wont even look at me in the eye or make love to me anymore. he wonders when I will grow up and do something with myself.  I wonder the same thing too. I wonder why am I staying with a man who provides only a roof over my head and nothing else. Should I be grateful I have a roof over my head? Sure I should and I am. But I will not grow living under this roof. The damage that has been done is not repairable and I need to let go of that false hope that he will put his wall’s down and love me again the way I deserve.  He thinks I need to earn his respect…The same man who Fucked another woman every day the same days he fucked me for over a year.. He has no respect for me?? Are you fucking kidding me?  I am the mother of his children and that alone call for respect. Yes he can call me a drug addict all day long because he is rightl. I am a drug addict. I will always be one.  But I am in recovery and I am clean today. Does it hurt to hear him say nothing but negative hurtful words to me? Yes it does. It hurts me more and more every day and my normal reaction is to go use, but I will not use over him anymore.  Its so crazy how good I feel when I walk into my 12 step meetings and the people there are so accepting of me and encouraging.  They don’t judge me or put me down. They make me want to be a better person. They make me want to do so much more with my life.  Why does my husband not see that what hes doing only makes me feel worse. Maybe he knows thats what he does and maybe that is what he wants. He likes me to feel bad.  Its his way of punishing me.   If he could have just stopped the punishing and saw me for what I am TODAY,  if he could just stay in TODAY with me and say something nothing nice and really put that effort in to emotionally connect with me than he would have seen how the two of us could move forward and we could have grown together.   But I know that will never happen now.  He is focused on what I can do for him and How I can make him feel and should make him feel. IT is about how I act in this marriage, and what I do in this marriage to make things right.  He has himself convinced that hes doing it all right and there is no need for him to put effort into anything because he seems to know it all. He is waiting still for me to change and adapt to his needs and because my needs have never been met or considered , he still thinks that’s how things will be in this marriage. OH and well since I’m the druggie than he always has the upper hand here.  I cant do this anymore.  Even being on drugs and looking at this situation still is wrong in every possible way. You can argue with an idiot.  I may be a drug addict, but Im not stupid. I would rather live without a roof with my kids than deal with this bullshit anymore. I have a feelings. I have a heart. I have goals and needs in my life. I have something to offer this world and I cant do it under these circumstance’s anymore. I want to happy. I dont have to feel stuck. I don’t owe him shit. 

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