Compassion at its Finest

16 12 2013

I miss my mom. I miss her love. I miss her personality. I even miss her Drama a little bit. When I finally got real with myself and knew I had to do what it took to get clean, the main thing I had to start with was not to be around anyone who was using. The first person I had to cut contact with was my mom. Imagine growing up with a mom who lost her own self-worth through her divorce and quickly becoming your new best friend instead of your mom. I suddenly had the Cool mom! Taking her to my friends parties to get drunk, doing cocaine with her on my prom night, then shortly after I had moved out the pills became something we always did and shared together throughout my adulthood life. It got to the point where she would drive me to the urgent cares and give me cash, telling me to go inside fake sciatica pain so they will give me Vicodin so we could share the bottle. This was normal in our life. This was normal up till a year ago and I made a choice to get clean. I took a year to myself to get strong enough to be around my mom and not want to use with her. So I went to see her and it just broke mt heart. When I was high on meth and pills. I was such a selfish bitch that  I didn’t care how hooked my mom was or how unhealthy she was. Now I look at her and its so hard to see her in such denial and anger. I tell her I’m worried about her and her response is to stay the fuck out of her life and that I’m a stupid Bitch. Her own daughter she says this too?? How can she be acting like this? And then I think, holy fuck this is what I was like when I was in denial and angry and selfish. I too would throw away my entire family to keep myself high and not deal with life on life’s terms.  It crazy how this feels cuz its so shocking to me that she is doing this yet I get to see and feel exactly what I put my family through. This is how I treated my husband for 3 years and he never gave up on me. I guess I need to love my mom from afar and continue to tell her I love her and pray that she will reach out for help soon. I need to remember where I came from and Dont give up on her

 

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