Compassion at its Finest

16 12 2013

I miss my mom. I miss her love. I miss her personality. I even miss her Drama a little bit. When I finally got real with myself and knew I had to do what it took to get clean, the main thing I had to start with was not to be around anyone who was using. The first person I had to cut contact with was my mom. Imagine growing up with a mom who lost her own self-worth through her divorce and quickly becoming your new best friend instead of your mom. I suddenly had the Cool mom! Taking her to my friends parties to get drunk, doing cocaine with her on my prom night, then shortly after I had moved out the pills became something we always did and shared together throughout my adulthood life. It got to the point where she would drive me to the urgent cares and give me cash, telling me to go inside fake sciatica pain so they will give me Vicodin so we could share the bottle. This was normal in our life. This was normal up till a year ago and I made a choice to get clean. I took a year to myself to get strong enough to be around my mom and not want to use with her. So I went to see her and it just broke mt heart. When I was high on meth and pills. I was such a selfish bitch that  I didn’t care how hooked my mom was or how unhealthy she was. Now I look at her and its so hard to see her in such denial and anger. I tell her I’m worried about her and her response is to stay the fuck out of her life and that I’m a stupid Bitch. Her own daughter she says this too?? How can she be acting like this? And then I think, holy fuck this is what I was like when I was in denial and angry and selfish. I too would throw away my entire family to keep myself high and not deal with life on life’s terms.  It crazy how this feels cuz its so shocking to me that she is doing this yet I get to see and feel exactly what I put my family through. This is how I treated my husband for 3 years and he never gave up on me. I guess I need to love my mom from afar and continue to tell her I love her and pray that she will reach out for help soon. I need to remember where I came from and Dont give up on her

 

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Happy One Year To Me!!!!!!

15 12 2013

I cant believe it has been 12 months since i have been on my blog. It is crazy how different I see things today compared to this time last December. I have taken these last 12 months to stay clean, focus on my family, and nurture and love myself for the first time in many many years. I think it took a good 6 months for the “voices” to go away in my head. and it took only 3 months to go from 92 pounds to 140lbs! I was making up for some lost suppers the past 3 years of my using. The hard part is learning how to keep the chaos out of my head on a daily basis. Or shall I say the Bullshit. Its all just chaotic Bullshit that lives up in my head that used to cause me to be impulsive, insecure, and make poor choices. I don’t know exactly how I keep it out today but I know that keeping my ass busy all time is key for me. So during this last year I have manged to do a few things like get a job, wake up like a normal person and take care of the daily basic things that are simple for most people but seem so difficult for someone who has been hiding in the bathroom for the last 3 years with a meth pipe in her mouth. The first 6 months of my recovery and walking into my bathroom was a trigger for me as that was where all the “magic” happened. But today I walk into my bathroom and my stomach always turns and I fell sick with shame. Its trip’s me out to think I was ready to give up everything for that glass pipe. I was willing to throw my entire family away in order to keep getting high. 

Last week I went to my Home Group meeting and My husband and Sponsor gave me my one year cake! I fucking did it!! After 3 long years of falling down, I finally was able to gather one full year of true clean time! No pills, No Meth..Nothing!!! Just me, and my feelings and a huge support group that gave me pure unconditional Love! I feel peace within and I can say that I might even Like me!!

 








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