Stop punishing me

24 12 2012


Today I am 75 days clean. I have to tell on myself to keep me Honest. I Relapsed when I was at 89 days. I was one day away from that 90 day key chain That I worked so hard for to get in my hands and feel proud of me. I think back on my Relapse and I try to see what I was doing wrong , or what I was not doing that made me relapse. One thing I know is that I really focused my clean time on getting those key chains, and I counted every single day I was clean. I was so focused on getting to 30 days and then 60 days and though it was a good motivator for myself, I got to wrapped up in how many days clean I had, instead of staying the moment. I didnt know what that meant. Stay in the moment? How in the fuck can I do that? Im too busy feeling this new thing called FEELINGS for the first time in 24 years. Holy shit I am feeling things that I never knew it was even a feeling. I cry watcging a TV commercial now. I laugh and can not stop. I cry and I dont understand why. I know It will take time to adjust. But its embarrassing to feel for the first time as a 40 year old woman. It is also frustrating to not have your spouse understand what is going on in my world everyday. I can understand his frustration and that is why I dont try to make him understand me because I cant. He is not an addict and he will never get what goes on in my mind everyday. I pray every day that he will go to naranon so he can get better too. He does not understand that this is a family disease. And I am doing the work I need to and I am making changes. But he does not see that if I make changes, He too has to take a look at himself and change. If he does not change as well than the problem will not go away. But I cant control him nor can I force him to see any of this. I can only pray that he will see one day how much his involvement in a program for himself will help with our relationship and how we comunicate and ineract with one another on a daily basis. I thought getting clean would make life all better. and everybody would be happy again. HA! I think the scariest part of being clean today is that I can see things today in my life for what they are and I dont like what I see right now very much. For 10 years I have created this life with my husband and I was never clean my entire marriage. I just went with the flow and lived for him. How can I suddenly expect to make my family change the only one thing they know of me and who I have been to them. How do I make them see what I see today? How do I make my husband stop seeing me for what I was? I know it takes time, I know I cant change 10 years in one night. But I am learning so much about myself and Though its scary, It is fun and exciting and I just want to share with him my feelings.

But I cant. Hes too busy being angry at me and putting me in time out , (as I call it) The minute I feel a tiny bit good about me, He always seems to remind me of what i have done wrong and what I am not doing right today. I cant seem to win in this life I live in. Though I want my marriage to workout so badly i see failure because with this diesase Not just the addict has to make changes, and I dont think he will ever see thst or understand. I have to to stay clean and continue to grow knowing that things might not tuen out the way I had thought they would. I cant change his thinking, nor can I make him see what needs to be REALLY happen in order for this marriage to survive. I know I have a long Road ahead of me in my recovery and i know that in order for me to stay true to me and really find what makes me happy, then I have to start doing those things even if it is going to upset others in my world because they are used to a certain way with me. I want to love myself again. I dont want to have my past poor choices thrown at me everyday by my best friend and lover. I dont want to be defined by my past actions today by someone who says they are my biggest support system. That is not support. I need encouragement. A little enocuragement goes such a long way with me. I need him to forgive me now and start loveing me again. I need him to stop being angry now. Its time to let go and just love me a little bit.I know hes scared I will relapse again and I get that, but I cant continue living with somebody who cant even look at me in the eyes anymore, when Im trying to forgive myself for all of my actions that caused pain to others, I need my best friend to help me by understanding that I am feeling for the first time in 24 years and to find a way in his heart to try to be a little more understanding ot at least more gentle with his words that are very strong and hurtful . I


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